Where do I start. This is a VERY hard post to start with but here it goes. I got married young. I never thought infertility or having issues with fertility would be a thing. It’s not something it’s ever been spoken about. Not in my community. Not in education. Certainly not at school. You’re taught this is how you can get pregnant and have a baby but never how hard it is to stay pregnant and the constant worries of this too. 

How many of you can actually say you thought about infertility or the possibility of struggling to conceive…? because I certainly didn’t. Didn’t even think anything of it knowing I’m getting a period. Every month, every 28 days and never a missed period. Neither was it ever delayed. Never had a single health issue. No thyroid problems. Maybe iron and vitamin being low from time to time but nothing major to think I will struggle to conceive. 

I thought oh within the year or two I’ll get pregnant, I’ve got time it will just happen but actually this was never the case. I spent years stressing, researching, focusing on fertility and getting pregnant to actually realise once you’re pregnant that’s not just ‘yes finally I’m having a baby’ it’s the aftermath of the full 9-10 months of keeping and staying pregnant. 

Each time I fell pregnant (twice) first time, I knew and felt something was off or different around 10 weeks at a check up but I was told by the midwife ‘oh nothing to worry about, it happens’ and then only to have a missed miscarriage because I was bleeding at 13 weeks. I knew my body, I knew what was happening, I knew I should have pressed and not listened to that midwife but I didn’t know anything other than this is my first pregnancy this must be how things go. I had to take a tablet which was provided by the hospital and just a leaflet on miscarriage and practically go through painful labour at home. I call it labour because I was sat on the toilet seat for hours waiting for it to pass. 

I did keep this pregnancy quiet because I wasn’t sure what was happening and I didn’t really want to tell family and friends until I felt comfortable and ready to tell them. 

The second pregnancy which was an early miscarriage. I was spotting from 4-5 weeks but I was given progesterone to help with the pregnancy. Unfortunately at 7 weeks I miscarried and it was the hardest worse day of my life as I had go through this appointment alone. Imagine going for a scan only to find this out ALL ALONE. I had to go through the same painful experience of having a tablet and so on. 

The question is do you ever forget? Do you ever forget even now having my own child in the end. 

My third pregnancy. It could be anyone’s third, fourth and so on miscarriage. I certainly haven’t forgotten the two little angels that could have been. Questioning who and what they look like, their personality, their attitude and so on. 

When I did fall pregnant the third time and finally had my child I was in a constant battle with my mental health and worrying about every little thing and every movement. Ensuring every little ingredient and every piece of food I eat is safe to eat. Imagine I was that worried that I would check online every single time to the point I would only each plain pasta when eating out (which was very rare for us to eat out during this time) or I would just cook the whole pregnancy to be safe. 

It was very hard. 

Not only this, finding the right support, the right people to trust and disclose the struggle through friends and family. However, hearing and being told the miscarriages are my fault but apparently it’s never the man’s fault. The mentality from specific women in this case blaming the woman was shocking. The trauma and the aftermath I had to go through from such despicable women, and to be quite honest I never thought I would EVER have to experience this. NEVER. 

I pray their own daughters never have to experience what I had to but, I do hope that one day they get a reality check of how not to treat other people or other women in this case. 

How many have you been accused of ‘you’re not happy for me and my pregnancy’ or ‘you’re making excuses to not turn up to my baby shower’ or ‘when are you having another child’ when you’ve just given birth 3 months ago. 

When you’ve been made to feel it’s your fault they don’t have a grandchild yet, or it’s your fault your always warm, or your fault you’re not relaxing or your fault you’re always stressing. You feel responsible, you feel and question what did I do. What could I have done to prevent it. What should I have done to stop this from happening not once but twice. 

It took me a very long time to get over it and I am still not fully over it. Every Mother’s Day! Every year I remember and I shed a tear. Every milestone with my child, I remember those babies (yes to some they might say it’s not a baby but to me it was even if it was just a foetus). 

I do believe that each and every person will get their happy ending. They will get that child they have been wanting. They will get to where they want to be in life. 

I love to manifest. It took a long time to be able to see and believe it but, I do think if you manifest it and remain positive with every outcome no matter how hard it is, you will get there in the end along with a supportive partner. 

If it hadn’t been for my partner, siblings and my side of the family, I wouldn’t have been able to keep trying and staying positive whilst hearing, seeing and knowing other people are having children. 

P.s this is a short story of each pregnancy. I do hope to delve into each story more eventually.

Maybe it could help someone who’s grieving or who’s gone through the same trauma even after having a baby. Could be your first, could be your second, third, fourth and so on. 

My aim is to help someone out there even if it’s one person. I know that at least I’ve done a good thing or something that I never got through the hospitals or medical professionals. 

#fertility #myjourneytoparenthood #infertility #women #endo #thyroid #pcos #uk #world #babies #pregnancy #miscarriage #stillborn #earlymiscarriage